Ah, here's a strange little post in which I mimic the style of an instruction manual/scientific journal to explain the arduous task of taking a shower and getting dressed in the morning. And you thought it was easy.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 16, 2005
Motion Therapy
You'll notice I skipped making an entry yesterday. Sorry, I was simply too tired to write. It's amazing how exhausting life can be when you're not really trying. In the name of understanding my growing sense of exhaustion, I've decided to dissect my morning routine. I think it bears out examination:
A. Consciousness at the alarm. This, as we all know, is it's own private hell. Bad eyesight coupled with unknown aches in the limbs and, frequently, the head, often centrally located behind the eyes. Upon rising, a profound sense of plummeting downwards (or upwards) through the depths of a stygian ocean -- the morning bends. A general confusion or malaise, not unlike the side-effects of thorazine with a Hennessy chaser. This is lightly called by some: "waking up".
B. The Shower: A critical adjustment of two taps, while leaning precariously over porcelain tub. Quite often a minor scalding before a bearable mix of temperatures is achived. In times of heavy slumbering, the added insult of a wet shower curtin plastering to one's face upon entering tub is often experienced. Soaping and rinsing requires various unnatural body contortions before 8 AM. Frequent retrivals of dropped soap bar is not uncommon. Shampooing and rinsing call for strict breath control for various periods of time. An expenditure of energy to exit tub and locate reasonably clean towel. Contortions related to water removal on a rapidly chilling torso. General pain related to the vigorus scrubbing of a wet scalp is considered normal.
C. Clothing. Both mental and physical exertion related to the discovery and application of daily clothing. Occasionally, multiple dressing sessions are required, particularly with plaids. Frequent retrival of dropped hangers should be noted. If the riser is a male, a minimum of three necktie placements is required, followed by intense physical labor related to a) recovering previous day's belt. b)the recovery of shoes. c) finding matching socks. 75% of all dressers experience immediate symptoms of drowsiness and lethargy, which may result in prolong periods of inactivty.
D. Hair and Skin. Before attending to facial features, the bathroom mirror will often need to be buffed with a soft, pliable towel to achive an accurate reflection. The location of brush and hairspray (optional) may cause further delays among bachelors (Harris; Cheng et al: JAP, 1965). The brushing and styling process itself may vary from individual to individual. Frequent reseating of thinning locks may be of particular concern to those over the age of 40. Average time of completion: 7.5 minutes. Application of light coat of hairspray and stringent breath control thereof: 55 seconds. Disinfection of the oral cavity. The shaving process requires the preliminary preparation of a non-dulled (preferable) blade by throughal rinsing. The application of shaving cream and lathering may require additional attention to the bathroom mirror. Due to the hazardous nature of removing facial hair with a razor, it is recommended that a state of full conscious is achieved before embarking in such activity. Upon completion, particular attention should be paid to the occurance of debris on the laterals of the face.
E. Feeding and nurturing: The amount of energy required during the final phase of waking process can vary greatly among individuals. Depending of the marital status of the morning riser, the feeding process may vary from 35 minutes to 83 seconds. It has been observed (Singh, Theodoredis: JPT, 1989) that an application of black coffee may significantly contribute to accelerated activity during this period. However, this increase in energy levels is frequently offset by complications arising from the location of car keys and briefcase.
From even this sketchy detailing of what we all endure everyday, I think you can see why I have trouble with the expression "Good Morning".
It's 1 o'clock and I'm late for lunch. I wonder if they have any more tuna salad?
A. Consciousness at the alarm. This, as we all know, is it's own private hell. Bad eyesight coupled with unknown aches in the limbs and, frequently, the head, often centrally located behind the eyes. Upon rising, a profound sense of plummeting downwards (or upwards) through the depths of a stygian ocean -- the morning bends. A general confusion or malaise, not unlike the side-effects of thorazine with a Hennessy chaser. This is lightly called by some: "waking up".
B. The Shower: A critical adjustment of two taps, while leaning precariously over porcelain tub. Quite often a minor scalding before a bearable mix of temperatures is achived. In times of heavy slumbering, the added insult of a wet shower curtin plastering to one's face upon entering tub is often experienced. Soaping and rinsing requires various unnatural body contortions before 8 AM. Frequent retrivals of dropped soap bar is not uncommon. Shampooing and rinsing call for strict breath control for various periods of time. An expenditure of energy to exit tub and locate reasonably clean towel. Contortions related to water removal on a rapidly chilling torso. General pain related to the vigorus scrubbing of a wet scalp is considered normal.
C. Clothing. Both mental and physical exertion related to the discovery and application of daily clothing. Occasionally, multiple dressing sessions are required, particularly with plaids. Frequent retrival of dropped hangers should be noted. If the riser is a male, a minimum of three necktie placements is required, followed by intense physical labor related to a) recovering previous day's belt. b)the recovery of shoes. c) finding matching socks. 75% of all dressers experience immediate symptoms of drowsiness and lethargy, which may result in prolong periods of inactivty.
D. Hair and Skin. Before attending to facial features, the bathroom mirror will often need to be buffed with a soft, pliable towel to achive an accurate reflection. The location of brush and hairspray (optional) may cause further delays among bachelors (Harris; Cheng et al: JAP, 1965). The brushing and styling process itself may vary from individual to individual. Frequent reseating of thinning locks may be of particular concern to those over the age of 40. Average time of completion: 7.5 minutes. Application of light coat of hairspray and stringent breath control thereof: 55 seconds. Disinfection of the oral cavity. The shaving process requires the preliminary preparation of a non-dulled (preferable) blade by throughal rinsing. The application of shaving cream and lathering may require additional attention to the bathroom mirror. Due to the hazardous nature of removing facial hair with a razor, it is recommended that a state of full conscious is achieved before embarking in such activity. Upon completion, particular attention should be paid to the occurance of debris on the laterals of the face.
E. Feeding and nurturing: The amount of energy required during the final phase of waking process can vary greatly among individuals. Depending of the marital status of the morning riser, the feeding process may vary from 35 minutes to 83 seconds. It has been observed (Singh, Theodoredis: JPT, 1989) that an application of black coffee may significantly contribute to accelerated activity during this period. However, this increase in energy levels is frequently offset by complications arising from the location of car keys and briefcase.
From even this sketchy detailing of what we all endure everyday, I think you can see why I have trouble with the expression "Good Morning".
It's 1 o'clock and I'm late for lunch. I wonder if they have any more tuna salad?
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