Ah, another painfully recovered writing sample. And it's a long one. I'm afraid Blogger might explode. This is a full "Friends" script titled "The One with the Psychic Stuff" which my writing partner, Alan, and I did for an agent. I hadn't read this in years and it brought back fond memories of sitting in the humid exercise room of his condo staring at the walls and each other for weeks, trying to make the other guy crack a smile. How men suffer for guffaws. It starts off a little shakily, but gets rolling nicely. I guess its a time capsule by now as it evokes those wild and crazy days of phone sex, Dionne Warwick psychic friends and trance-inducing charms of Enya. Excuse the lousy formatting, it was a lot of work to recover even in this state.

FRIENDS  (writing sample)

“The One with
the Psychic Stuff”

Written by

Brad Cheng & Alan Ellsweig

SCENE A

TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. COFFEE HOUSE - AFTERNOON

ROSS, RACHEL, MONICA, AND CHANDLER ARE SEATED. PHOEBE JOINS THEM WITH A NEW, HARD-COVER BOOK IN HAND.

PHOEBE

Hey guys, I just found this amazing new book-- The Cosmic Woman. When I saw it in the store, it was like the universe told me to buy it immediately.

RACHEL

(TAKES BOOK, READS) For sixty dollars?

ROSS

I guess the universe couldn’t wait for the paperback.

RACHEL

(READS) “A spiritual guide for the modern woman.” We’ve come a long way, baby.

A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE IN TIGHT LEATHER PANTS WALKS PAST.

CHANDLER

Whoa! Check out the leather pants on Catwoman! (OFF THE GIRLS’ LOOKS) What?

RACHEL

Like I said. We’ve come a long way. They haven’t. 

MONICA

Well, one thing’s for sure. That outfit set her back a pretty penny.

CHANDLER

But boy, did she get her money’s worth.

MONICA

Gee, Chandler, I didn’t know you had a fetish for leather.

CHANDLER

It’s not a fetish. On the right woman, a piece of lint could turn me on.

RACHEL

Oh, come on. Everyone has something that gets them hot and bothered. Perfect hands, feet...

BEHIND HER BACK, ROSS LONGINGLY STROKES RACHEL’S HAIR.

ROSS

Hair.

RACHEL

(TURNS TO ROSS) What?

JOEY ENTERS AND TAKES HIS SEAT.

ROSS

So Rachel. What gets you...that way?

RACHEL

Teeth. Perfect teeth.

ROSS PLASTERS ON A HUGE SMILE. 

JOEY

What are you guys talking about?

PHOEBE

The magnetic force that brings men and women together.

JOEY

Credit cards? (THEN, TO ROSS) Hey, looks like someone had spinach for lunch.(SHOWS CLENCHED TEETH) 

ROSS RUBS A FINGER ACROSS HIS TEETH, AND LOSES THE SMILE.

CHANDLER

Joey, we’re talking about fetishes. An object that excites you sexually.

JOEY

Like a woman?

CHANDLER

Yeah, but more specific.

JOEY AND CHANDLER TURN THEIR HEADS TO WATCH “CATWOMAN” WALK BY. 

JOEY

Like that woman?

CHANDLER

Good answer!

FADE OUT.

SCENE B

FADE IN:

INT. CHANDLER’S APARTMENT - SUNDAY MORNING

CHANDLER AND JOEY SIT SHARING A NEW YORK TIMES.

CHANDLER

Any luck with the classifieds?

JOEY

Mt. Sinai’s looking for a board-certified neurologist.

CHANDLER

Joey, something tells me that two months as a doctor on a soap opera isn’t exactly the same as eight years of intensive medical training.

ROSS KNOCKS AND ENTERS. THEY AD LIB HELLOS.

ROSS

I hope I’m not interrupting anything.

CHANDLER

Not really. Joey was just weighing the pros and cons of becoming a brain surgeon.

JOEY

Yeah. On the one hand, the money’s great. But on the other hand, brains can be kinda...tricky.

CHANDLER

So, Ross, did the earth cough up anything interesting lately?

ROSS

Well, next Saturday, the museum’s showing an exclusive collection of Mesopotamian fingerbowls.

CHANDLER

Wow...Now you tell me. And to think I almost blew sixty bucks on Springsteen tickets.

JOEY AND CHANDLER TURN TO THEIR PAPERS. ROSS PACES WITH A LOOK OF CONCERN, MAKING A SERIES OF GUTTURAL GRUNTS AND MOANS.

ROSS

Uhhnn... Mmmm... Naaah.

CHANDLER

(FINALLY) Why don’t you just sit down and tell us what’s bothering you?

ROSS

Is it that obvious?

CHANDLER

I could swear that somewhere between the moans, grunts, and clicks I heard an S.O.S.

JOEY

Uhhnn. Mmmm. Naaah.(PERPLEXED) I don’t hear it. Man, Chandler, you’re good.

CHANDLER

Let me guess. This wouldn’t be about a certain female, living with two other certain females, who’s uncertain about a certain friend of mine.

ROSS

It certainly is.

JOEY

Don’t leave me hangin’ here, do I know these people?

ROSS

It’s like I never know where I stand with Rachel. 

JOEY

Ooh. (WINKS AND NODS KNOWINGLY)

ROSS

I mean, sometimes I see the two of us growing old together in a small country cottage. But other times, I see myself living alone in a dark, dingy basement looking for the missing femur to the elephant man.

JOEY

Come on, Ross. That will never happen.

ROSS

Thanks, buddy.

JOEY

Michael Jackson already owns the bones to the elephant man.

ROSS

Things are great between us right now, but how do I know if I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with Rachel?

CHANDLER

Look, there are only two powers in the universe who could possibly know your fate: Dionne Warwick, and... (POINTS SKYWARD) Him. 

JOEY

Mr. Abromowitz in 4-C?

ROSS

Chandler, you may be on to something. Could I use your telephone? (GOES TO PHONE, DIALS) Hi, directory assistance? 

CHANDLER

If I’m not mistaken, God still has an unlisted phone number. Who are you calling, Ross?

ROSS

(INTO PHONE) Yes, could I have the number for the Psychic Pal Hotline?  ROSS GIVES CHANDLER THE “THUMBS-UP” SIGN.

CHANDLER

Uh, Ross?!

OFF CHANDLER AND JOEY’S PERPLEXED EXPRESSIONS, WE:

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE C

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL’S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

THE GIRLS ARE HAVING BREAKFAST. MONICA STANDS AT THE REFRIGERATOR, AND OPENS THE DOOR.

MONICA

Anyone want some more orange juice? Ewww! There’s a giant, mushroomy thing growing in here!

PHOEBE

Oh, that’s my Kombucha mushroom. I’m starting a new fungus diet. 

MONICA

Then why is it in our refrigerator?

PHOEBE

Come on, Mon, like I want fungus spores all over my refrigerator? Duh?

RACHEL PUSHES HER PLATE AWAY.

RACHEL

Well, that wraps up breakfast for me.

MONICA

(ANNOYED) Shouldn’t you guys be going to work?

RACHEL

I’m fed up with that coffee house. Every day, the same old brewing, pouring, spilling, breaking...I mean, why should I go to work for that?  

RACHEL GATHERS THE DISHES. ON HER WAY TO THE SINK A PLATE CRASHES TO THE FLOOR.

MONICA

When you can have the same experience in the privacy of your own home.

RACHEL

You see?! I’m no good at this! Why can’t I find a cushy job like yours, Mon?  Something that seems so effortless.

MONICA

Rachel, I’m unemployed.

RACHEL

Right.  That’s what I mean.

MONICA

Look, good jobs are hard to come by. You’ve got to get out there and pound the pavement, knock on doors. They don’t just fall in your lap.

SFX: THE TELEPHONE RINGS.

MONICA ANSWERS THE PHONE.

MONICA

(INTO PHONE) Hello?... Oh hi, Carol... Uh-huh... No way!... I mean, it’s a little last minute, but, yes! Tell him I’ll take the job! 

HEARING THIS RACHEL ANGRILY DROPS THE DISHES INTO THE SINK.  

MONICA (CONT’D)

(INTO PHONE) Sure... That’s fine...Thank you so much...Good-bye. (HANGS UP) Yes! Carol just got me a catering job for a doctor in the village. We’re meeting at Central Perk to go over the menu.

RACHEL

I guess all that knocking and pounding finally paid off.

PHOEBE

You know, maybe I should take my mushroom with me. I don’t want it be tainted by all this negative energy.

MONICA

Don’t worry, Pheeb.  We’ll keep the door closed so it can’t hear us.

RACHEL

What’s so important about that salad box mutation anyway?

PHOEBE

Well, they say it brings you good luck, good health, and great sex. (TO RACHEL) I guess you need it more than I do, huh. (OFF RACHEL’S LOOK) Um, I should be going.

PHOEBE EXITS. RACHEL ANGRILY GRABS A COAT AND MOVES TO THE DOOR.

MONICA

Where are you going, Rach?

RACHEL

I’m off to do the only thing that can soothe a depressed, unloved, and unhappily employed woman.  I’m getting a manicure, pedicure, and a facial! 

RACHEL EXITS, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER AND WE:

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE D

INT. CHANDLER’S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

JOEY LOOKS ON AS A DISGRUNTLED CHANDLER USES A STOPWATCH TO KEEP TABS ON ROSS’S PHONE CALL. ‘

ROSS

(INTO PHONE, SWEETLY) So you’re from Texas...and you’re psychic. Wow.

CHANDLER

Coming up on seven minutes and forty-five seconds, I would just like to remind you that I’m not paying for one cent of this call.  

ROSS

(COVERING PHONE) All right!  I was just working up to it.(INTO PHONE) No, I’ve seen the movie, but I’d love to visit the Alamo some day. (OFF CHANDLER’S LOOK) Well, actually, I’m calling because of this girl that I’m kind of...(PAUSE) Madly in love with! Yes, exactly!  And uh... I was just wondering if she’s... (PAUSE) Yes! If she’s my destiny! (THEN) Gladys, you’re absolutely amazing!

CHANDLER

And if you believe in fairies, clap your hands three times. (CLAPS THREE TIMES) 

JOEY

Don’t bother, Chandler.  I’ve had a wisdom tooth under my pillow for the last six months...and nothing. 

ROSS

Hello?  Gladys?  Hello?  Hello?

CHANDLER STANDS WITH THE DISCONNECTED PHONE LINE IN HAND.

ROSS

Chandler, you cut us off!’

CHANDLER

Trust me. (SINGING) “That’s what friends are for...”

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE E

INT. COFFEE HOUSE - LATER

PHOEBE IS READING “THE COSMIC WOMAN”. TERRY, THE COFFEE HOUSE MANAGER, MOVES BESIDE HER.

PHOEBE

Terry, did you know that all true love is the result of supernatural powers? 

TERRY

No.  But I know it’s gonna take  supernatural powers to make people fall in love with this apricot mocha java blend. (THEN) Where’s Rachel?

PHOEBE

Rachel?  Uh, she’s sick today.

TERRY

Really?  I’m sorry to hear that.

PHOEBE

(QUICKLY) Okay, you got me. She didn’t want to come in. 

TERRY STANDS PERPLEXED AS PHOEBE SAUNTERS OFF WITH A TRAY OF COFFEE.  JOEY, CHANDLER, AND ROSS ENTER, AND SEAT THEMSELVES ON THE COUCH.

ROSS

Chandler, I told you I’d pay for the call.

JOEY

Now that’s the kind of job I need.  Talking on the phone for three ninety-nine a minute. And just think. After ten minutes, you’ve made yourself... three ninety-nine a minute.

CHANDLER

Good work, Joey.(THEN) Look, Ross, it’s not the phone bill I’m worried about.  It’s you.  I mean, today it’s a harmless call to a psychic line.  But who knows? A month from now, I might find you in my kitchen performing alien autopsies.

ROSS

I appreciate your concern, Chandler.  But you have to understand, I’m going through that really...”unsure” phase.

CHANDLER

Nooo. I think you’re going through that neurotic, clinging, and hopelessly pathetic phase. (THEN) Did I leave out neurotic?

ROSS

Thanks for understanding.

JOEY

Hey, I know exactly what you’re going through, man.  I was with this girl once, and she kept sending me these mixed signals.  Did she like me? Didn’t she like me? Were we going to have sex, or weren’t we going to have sex?

ROSS

So what happened?

JOEY

Nothing.  She got off the subway and I never saw her again.

PHOEBE CROSSES TO THE SOFA.

PHOEBE

Hey, guys.

THE GUYS AD-LIB MUMBLED, LIFELESS, HELLOS.

PHOEBE

What’s with all this negative energy today?  Are we having an eclipse?

CHANDLER

I don’t know if the moon is waxing or waning, but Ross is doing a lot of whining.

ROSS

Yeah, well the Czar of Compassion here cut me off from a very important conversation with my Psychic Pal. 

CHANDLER

Gladys. The Oracle of Galveston.

PHOEBE

Oh, you called the Psychic Pal hotline?  What a waste. 

CHANDLER

At last, a voice of reason.

PHOEBE

The telephone’s way too impersonal. That’s why I go to Madame Omanoff for weekly readings.

CHANDLER

Last comment cheerfully withdrawn.

ROSS

(TO PHOEBE)  Is she good?  Can she like... predict things?

PHOEBE

Well, she can look five years into the future.

JOEY

That counts.

PHOEBE

And she can look at your palm and see your entire love life.

CHANDLER

Phoebe, I can look at my palm and see my entire love life.

PHOEBE

I’ve got her card right here.

PHOEBE WALKS BEHIND THE COUNTER AND PULLS OUT HER PURSE. PHILLIP, A TALL, HANDSOME MAN, APPROACHES THE COUNTER.

PHILLIP

Excuse me, did you say you visit Madame Omanoff?

PHOEBE

All the time.

PHILLIP

Me too.  She’s wonderful, isn’t she?

PHOEBE

(ENAMORED) Yes, she is. 

ROSS TURNS TO CHANDLER.

ROSS

Do you think I should call ahead for an appointment?

CHANDLER

Nah, she’s psychic, right? I’m sure she’ll see you coming from a mile away.

PHOEBE RETURNS AND THROWS THE CARD AT ROSS.

PHOEBE

(QUICKLY) Here. Good luck.

PHOEBE HURRIES BACK TO PHILLIP.  CHANDLER GLANCES OVER HIS SHOULDER IN BEWILDERMENT.

ROSS

Great!  It’s just around the corner. You guys want to come with me?

JOEY

I should really get back to my job hunt.

ROSS

(TO CHANDLER) What about you?

CHANDLER

Um, I should really get back to Joey’s job hunt.

ROSS

Thanks, Chandler.  I come to you in a time of crisis, and you turn your head the other way.  But I guess “that’s what friends are for”, right?

CHANDLER LETS THIS SINK IN FOR A MOMENT.

CHANDLER

Well, if you’ll allow me to remove the sword of guilt from my sternum, I believe we have some psychic business to take care of.

ROSS

(OVERJOYED)  Thanks, pal.

THE BOYS EXIT TOGETHER, AND WE:  

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE F

INT. BEAUTY SALON - MOMENTS LATER

RENEE, A STYLIST, ADDS THE FINISHING TOUCHES TO RACHEL’S HAIR.

RACHEL

Renee, I love it!  You’re incredible!

RENEE

I know.  When you walked through the door, I could hear your follicles screaming, “Revitalize me!”

RACHEL

And you’re sure I don’t need a trim?

RENEE

Absolutely not! I wouldn’t cut a hair.

RENEE, LIKE A DIRECTOR, FRAMES RACHEL’S FACE WITH HIS HANDS.

RENEE (CONT.)

Have you done any professional modeling?

RACHEL

Oh, a few years ago.  When I was three.  It was nothing, really. Cover girl for... the FAO Schwartz catalogue.

RENEE

I must have Vidal take a look at you! 

RENEE STRUTS AWAY, AS RACHEL WATCHES WITH ANTICIPATION.

RACHEL

(OVERJOYED)  Vidal?

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE G

INT. MADAME OMANOFF’S PSYCHIC BOUTIQUE - MOMENTS LATER

ROSS AND CHANDLER ENTER A PSYCHEDELICALLY DECORATED WAITING ROOM. 

ROSS

Wow, look at this place.  You know, I’m picking up a really good vibe here.

CHANDLER

That’s the subway, Ross.

ROSS

No, I mean there are forces at work here that I can’t put into words.

CHANDLER

How about, money sucking charlatan? (OFF ROSS’S LOOK) Merely a suggestion. But hey, if you want to go in there and channel the spirit of Nostradamus, more power to you. 

CHANDLER SITS AND PICKS UP A MAGAZINE. A CUSTOMER EXITS FROM A BACK ROOM, AND ROSS MOVES TO A DOORWAY HUNG WITH BEADS. 

ROSS

You sure you’re okay?

CHANDLER

Absolutely. I’ll be waiting right here, taking in the incense, and catching up on my reading.(READS HEADLINE)”A Tribute to Fungi: The Unspoken Miracle Workers.” (THEN) Oh yeah. I’m a happy camper. 

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE H

INT. COFFEE HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

PHOEBE AND PHILLIP ARE ON THE COUCH. PHOEBE’S LEG IS OUTSTRETCHED WITH HER FOOT IN HIS LAP.  PHILLIP CARESSES THE ARCH OF HER FOOT.

PHILLIP

And the arch of your foot is soft and delicate, which tells me you’re warm, sensitive, and very shy.

PHOEBE

That’s so amazing, Phillip. I never met a guy who could figure me out just by looking at my feet. 

PHILLIP

What can I say?  What began as an innocent fetish has blossomed into a lucrative business. (OFF PHOEBE’S LOOK) I’m a podiatrist.

 PHILLIP CONTINUES RUBBING HER FOOT AS WE GO INTO VOICE OVER.

PHOEBE (V.O.)

God, he’s great. I can’t believe the mushroom’s working already. He’s so in tune to what I’m thinking.

PHILLIP (V.O.)

Was Mr. Mulanowski coming in for his bunion removal at three or three- thirty?

MONICA ENTERS, AS PHILLIP GETS UP FROM THE COUCH.

PHILLIP

Would you excuse me for a moment?  I need to make a quick phone call.

PHOEBE

My feet aren’t going anywhere.

TERRY

That should be your motto.

AS TERRY WALKS BY, MONICA APPROACHES THE SOFA.

PHOEBE

Monica!  I just met this like, unbelievable guy named Phillip.

MONICA

Phillip?  Is he a doctor?

PHOEBE

(AMAZED) Yes! God, it’s not fair. Why are non-believers always the gifted ones?

MONICA

Phoebe, I’m meeting him here to discuss the menu for his party. Remember?

PHOEBE

Oh yeah. Right. (DISAPPOINTED) So I guess my Phillip the Perfect Mate is like...your Phillip the Meal Ticket. 

MONICA

I think “Phillip the Client” sounds a bit more professional.  Don’t worry, Pheebs.  This is strictly business.  

PHILLIP RETURNS TO THE COUCH.

PHILLIP

Hello.

PHOEBE

Phillip... Monica.  Monica... Mine. 

I mean, Phillip.

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE I

INT. TAXI CAB - MOMENTS LATER

RACHEL SITS IN THE BACK SEAT.  WE CAN HEAR THE SOFT TONES OF THE RADIO IN THE BACKGROUND.

CAB DRIVER

Honey, anyone ever tell you you’ve got beautiful hair?

RACHEL

Only one of the most important stylists of this century.

CAB DRIVER

Mel Torme?

RACHEL

Hey, could you turn this up?

CAB DRIVER

Yeah, sure. Anything for the hair queen.

THE RADIO BLASTS OUT ARETHA FRANKLIN’S “RESPECT”. RACHEL BOPS AROUND IN HER SEAT.

RACHEL

(Sings) R-e-s-p-e-c-t.  That’s what good hair means to me.

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE J

INT. HALLWAY - LATER

A SOMBER ROSS WALKS WITH CHANDLER TO HIS APARTMENT DOOR.

CHANDLER

So, come on, Ross, what’s the good news?  Did she pull a death card?

ROSS

No, no such luck.

CHANDLER

Then what?  The eternal chastity card?  (THEN) What exactly did Madame Omanoff say about you and Rachel?

ROSS

She said the reply was hazy. That I should ask again later.

CHANDLER

Wait a minute. Were you in there with a psychic or a Magic Eight Ball? (THEN) Actually, don’t even tell me, because I’ve had just about all the paranormal excitement I can stand for one day. 

THEY OPEN THE DOOR TO THE APARTMENT.

RESET TO:

INT. CHANDLER’S APARTMENT - SAME

ROSS AND CHANDLER ENTER. JOEY’S TALKING ON THE PHONE, AND  WEARING A GYPSY BANDANA. A BLACK CANDLE BURNS ON THE TABLE. JOEY PRESSES HIS HAND TO HIS HEAD

JOEY

(INTO PHONE) Hang on. I am definitely getting something here... Yes, your lucky Lotto numbers are... sixty-two, sixty-nine, eighty-seven... Are you writing these down?... What?... Your Lotto only goes up to fifty-one?... Well how am I supposed to know, lady?  I’m a psychic, not a mind-reader.

CHANDLER AND ROSS STARE AT JOEY IN DISBELIEF.

CHANDLER

Ross? Remember when we were crossing Broadway, and you stopped me from walking in front of that bus? You did stop me, didn’t you?

JOEY COVERS THE MOUTHPIECE OF THE PHONE.

JOEY

(SOTTO) New job.

ROSS GIVES A HESITANT “THUMBS-UP” TO JOEY. CHANDLER TURNS TO ROSS WITH A PIERCING GAZE. ROSS’S “THUMBS-UP” IS QUICKLY CONVERTED TO A “THUMBS-DOWN”.

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE K

INT. COFFEE HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

MONICA REHASHES THE MENU AS PHILLIP PREPARES TO LEAVE. 

MONICA

And we’ll follow the chicken with chocolate and raspberry souflettes for dessert.

PHILLIP

Well, Monica, the menu sounds divine.  I’ll see you tomorrow. (TO PHOEBE) And I’ll see you...tonight at eight. 

THEY AD LIB GOOD-BYE. PHILLIP KISSES PHOEBE’S HAND AND EXITS. 

MONICA

(TO PHOEBE) I need to go home and tenderize my breasts.

PHOEBE

And you said it was strictly business.

MONICA

I was talking about the chicken, Phoebe.

RACHEL BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR BEAMING. ALL EYES ON HER.

RACHEL

(QUELL DRAMATIQUE) Oh...my...God.

PHOEBE

Rach, what is it?

RACHEL

Okay...Okay... Everyone, just calm down. I have a little announcement to make. As of this moment, you are no longer looking at a coffee-toting servant, but at the re-vitalized Rachel Green...Vidal Sassoon’s newest hair model!!

MONICA/PHOEBE

Oh...My...God!!!

TERRY WALKS BY TO GIVE RACHEL THE ONCE-OVER.

TERRY

Nah, I still see a coffee-toting servant.

RACHEL

If you don’t look good...who cares?! Vidal said I look great!

MONICA AND PHOEBE RACE OVER TO RACHEL FOR A JOYOUS, CONGRATULATORY GROUP HUG, AND WE:

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE L

INT. COFFEE HOUSE - LATER

PHOEBE AND MONICA HOVER AROUND RACHEL.

MONICA

Modeling for Vidal Sassoon! That’s too amazing!

PHOEBE

I’m totally jealous.  You must have really good Karma.

RACHEL

Nope.  Just really good hair.

PHOEBE

You aren’t quitting your job here,  are you?

RACHEL

Let’s see.  Enjoying fame and fortune by having my face in magazine ads around the globe, or serving coffee and stale muffins for minimum wage.  It’s a real toss-up, Pheebs.

PHOEBE

Yeah, I wouldn’t know what to do in that situation either.

RACHEL WALKS OVER TO TERRY, WHO’S STANDING BEHIND THE COFFEE BAR.

RACHEL

Terry, I’m handing in my tea towel and doilies.

TERRY

Well, I’m sorry you’re leaving us. And let me assure you that the huge grin on my face doesn’t do justice to the pain I’m feeling inside. But does this mean you’re quitting without giving me notice?

RACHEL

Of course not. I wouldn’t do that to you. (READS WATCH) Five... four... three... two...one. Now I’m quitting. (TO MONICA AND PHOEBE) Come on, girls.

RACHEL LEADS MONICA AND PHOEBE IN A MODELESQUE RUNWAY WALK OUT THE DOOR WHILE SINGING RU PAUL’S “SUPERMODEL SONG.”

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE M

INT. CHANDLER’S APARTMENT - LATER

CHANDLER AND ROSS STARE AT JOEY ON THE PHONE.

JOEY

(INTO PHONE) Trust me, Irving.  It’s smooth sailing as far into the future as the human mind can see.... Nah, I wouldn’t worry about the pain in your chest either... 

CHANDLER

Would somebody please pinch me!

JOEY (CONT’D)

Thanks for calling. (HANGS UP) Yep. Another satisfied customer.

CHANDLER

Joey, what possessed you... wait, let me rephrase that. What led you to take a job as a Psychic Pal?

JOEY

They were looking for actors. It isn’t Broadway, but the money’s good. 

ROSS

(TO JOEY) How could you possibly think you’re qualified for the responsibilities of psychic paldom?

JOEY

Hey, I passed the two major requirements. I own a phone, and I speak English.

CHANDLER

Ross, is it becoming clear that these are not the people you’d find in a bar singing the Harvard alma mater.

SFX: THE TELEPHONE RINGS.

CHANDLER GRABS THE PHONE.

CHANDLER

Hello?...No, there’s no Rip Van Winkle living here. (HANGS UP) 

JOEY

Hey, that was for me. 

CHANDLER

You’re Rip Van Winkle.

JOEY

I thought using the name of a guy who died for twenty years and lived to tell about it would attract more business.

ROSS

Uh... Joey, Rip Van Winkle is a fictional character. And if I’m not mistaken, he was only sleeping. 

JOEY

Damn. I knew I should have gone with Rumplestiltskin.

CHANDLER

You see, Ross, forty bucks on Gladys, another fifty on Madame Schlockoff--

ROSS

Omanoff--

CHANDLER

Whatever. When all along, right here in my living room, we had Rip!

SFX: THE TELEPHONE RINGS.

CHANDLER TAKES THE PHONE AGAIN.

CHANDLER

Hello... You’re worried Uranus is in retrograde?... Normally I’d recommend a doctor, but let me give you my roommate.

JOEY TAKES THE PHONE.

JOEY

Rumple here. (GIVES THE A-OK SIGN) So, Phillip... What can I do for you?

ROSS OPENS THE DOOR TO THE HALLWAY.

ROSS

Chandler, can I have a word with you in private?

CHANDLER

Sure. But not before we try telepathy. (PLACES FINGERS ON TEMPLES) I’m getting...that you’re gonna ask me to do something really stupid.(THEN) Work with me, here.

ROSS RELUCTANTLY IMITATES CHANDLER’S POSE.

ROSS

(BEGRUDGING) And I’m getting that you’re not going to want to do it.

CHANDLER

You see?  I’m a believer.

ROSS

Come on, this is serious. It’s about me and Rachel. 

CHANDLER

(EXASPERATED SIGH) How did I know that? 

CHANDLER AND ROSS EXIT TO THE HALLWAY. BACK TO JOEY.

JOEY

JOEY

So you’re a podiatrist, you’re dating seven chicks, and you only want six.  What’s the problem here?  Go stud!

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE N

INT. HALLWAY - SAME

ROSS AND CHANDLER ARGUE IN THE HALLWAY.

CHANDLER

Uh-uhn.  No way.  No how.  Negativo.  I am not breaking into Rachel’s apartment to steal something for you to take back to that witch doctor.

ROSS

Hey, I think someone here owes me a favor.

CHANDLER LOOKS OVER BOTH SHOULDERS.

CHANDLER

Are you talking to me?  The Mayor of Favorville?

ROSS

What about the time I set you up with that girl who worked at the museum?

CHANDLER

Oh, she worked at the museum.  So when I dropped her off at the primate exhibit, she wasn’t going home?

ROSS

Madame Omanoff told me that in order to get a clear reading, I need to bring her some inanimate object that reminds me of Rachel.

CHANDLER

Why not take Monica?

ROSS

Look, you know Rachel is my whole world.  All I’m asking you to do...  is help me find a lock of her hair. 

CHANDLER

It sounds too easy. I’ll just slip into the kitchen, check the cupboards, and look behind the vinegar and pancake mix, where I’m sure that Rachel’s left a couple of locks laying around.

ROSS OPENS THE DOOR TO RACHEL AND MONICA’S APARTMENT

ROSS

Actually, I was planning to get her hairbrush. 

CHANDLER

Then why do you need me?  How big of a hairbrush are we talking about?!

RESET TO:

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL’S APARTMENT - CONT.

ROSS AND CHANDLER ENTER THE APARTMENT.

ROSS

Look, if Rachel catches me, I’m finished. But if she catches you, you’re screwed, and I’m off scot-free.

CHANDLER

Oh, that’s great. When you put it that way, how can I resist? (OFF ROSS’S LOOK) All right, I’ll do it. But if this voodoo stunt backfires, and I wind up with Rachel, I better not find you playing with a set of knitting needles and a doll named “Chandler”.

ROSS

Listen, if they show up, I’ll give you a signal. I’ll say, “The girls are here.”

CHANDLER

Clever.

CHANDLER ENTERS RACHEL’S ROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR. THE FRONT DOOR SWINGS OPEN REVEALING RACHEL, MONICA, AND PHOEBE CARRYING GROCERY BAGS.

ROSS

(PEEPS) The girls are here.

MONICA

Ross, what are you doing here?

ROSS

What am I doing hair?...Here?  Well, I’m here to help you with your groceries... 

ROSS TAKES A BAG FROM MONICA AND KICKS THE DOOR SHUT. HE DROPS THE BAGS IN THE KITCHEN.

ROSS

(TEETH CLENCHED) The girls are here!

THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AGAIN. THE GIRLS ARE CLEARLY AGGRAVATED, AND THERE’S STILL NO WORD FROM CHANDLER. ROSS RAPS WITH HIS KNUCKLES ON THE WALL IN RHYTHM TO HIS WORDS.

ROSS

Oh, look who’s here!  Monica!... Phoebe!... and Rachel! 

RACHEL

Would it be too much of an inconvenience to let us into our apartment now?

ROSS

(STUMPED) That shouldn’t be a problem.

PHOEBE

Just so you know? You’re acting really weird.

CHANDLER EXITS THE BEDROOM STRETCHING A PAIR OF RACHEL’S PANTIES IN FRONT OF HIS WAIST.

CHANDLER

Check this out. Underoo’s for women.

CHANDLER LOOKS UP TO SEE THE GIRLS’ QUESTIONING STARES.

CHANDLER (CONT.)

Hey, this isn’t my wallet. (TOSSES AWAY PANTIES). 

ROSS

(MOCK SURPRISE) Chandler, I’ve been looking all over for you.

CHANDLER

(CURT) Ross, shouldn’t we be going?

ROSS AND CHANDLER QUICKLY EXIT.

RACHEL

What was Chandler doing with my underwear?

PHOEBE

He was in your room. He was playing with your panties. And he called it a wallet.  Does it need any further explanation?

OFF MONICA AND RACHEL’S LOOK WE:

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE O

INT. CHANDLER’S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

CHANDLER AND ROSS ENTER.  JOEY’S STILL ON THE PHONE. ENYA’S “SAIL AWAY” PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

CHANDLER

Oh my God. Enya. 

ROSS

Well?  Did you manage to get...the item?

CHANDLER

You know I was pressed for time.

ROSS

I hope that means mission accomplished.

CHANDLER

Ross, I think being named “The Panty Perv of Greenwich” is already an accomplishment, don’t you? 

ROSS

I’m sure they didn’t even notice.

JOEY

Hey, could you guys keep it down?  I’ve got a woman having an out of body experience, and I’d like to bring her down safely.

CHANDLER

The FAA would be proud, Joey.\

ROSS

So you came up empty-handed?

\

CHANDLER

Not exactly. 

CHANDLER REMOVES A RETAINER FROM HIS POCKET.

ROSS

Her retainer?  (THEN) I wanted a lock of hair, not a saliva sample.

CHANDLER

I’m sure that Shaka Zulu will get a clear reading with this. And if she’s really good, she might pick up an AM radio station or two.

JOEY HANGS UP THE PHONE.

JOEY

Phew. That was close. She was coming in too low. I didn’t think she was gonna clear those trees.

ROSS

I only wanted her brush. A brush we could casually return. What am I supposed to do with this?  Wait ‘til she yawns and go for a free throw? 

CHANDLER

Better pray for a swish.(THEN) Look, it’s probably a high school relic. She won’t even know it’s missing.

CUT TO:

SCENE P

INT. RACHEL AND MONICA’S APARTMENT - CONT.

RACHEL EXITS FROM HER BEDROOM AND TAKES A SEAT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE.  PHOEBE SITS ON THE COUCH.  MONICA’S IN THE KITCHEN CUTTING BROCCOLI FROM A STALK WITH A PAIR OF SHEARS.

RACHEL

Has anyone seen my retainer? 

PHOEBE

No, I think I gave it back to you after the last time I borrowed it... not.

MONICA

Don’t worry, Rach, I’m sure it will turn up.

RACHEL

Let’s hope so.  I need to look absolutely flawless for Vidal.

MONICA

Do you realize how this modeling job could change your life?

RACHEL

I haven’t given it a thought.  And I’m certainly not letting it go to my head.  Is Fabio single?

MONICA

The guys are going to freak when they hear this.

RACHEL

I know. Isn’t it wonderful?

CHANDLER AND ROSS ENTER SHEEPISHLY, FOLLOWED BY JOEY.

PHOEBE

And speaking of freak.

CHANDLER

(TO ROSS) I’m so glad nobody noticed.

MONICA POUNDS A MEAT TENDERIZER IN TIME WITH HER WORDS.

MONICA

Oh, look. It’s Ross... and Chandler... and Joey. (THEN) What were you guys doing here before?

CHANDLER

Okay, Deep Throat. Spill your guts.

ROSS

(SOTTO) Don’t you have something to return? 

CHANDLER SIDESTEPS TOWARDS RACHEL’S DOOR.

ROSS (CONT.)

So ladies, you’re probably wondering why I was innocently standing here, while Chandler was fondling Rachel’s underwear.

CHANDLER

(SOTTO) Thanks for the plug.

MONICA

The thought had crossed my mind, Ross.

RACHEL TURNS TO SEE CHANDLER APPROACHING HER DOOR.

RACHEL

Can I help you with something?

CHANDLER HOLDS UP HIS HANDS, EXPOSING THE RETAINER.

CHANDLER

I’m cool.

RACHEL

Hey, that’s my retainer!

CHANDLER

Ross?!

MONICA

All right, boys.  Court’s in session, and someone better start ‘fessing up.

ROSS

(STRUGGLING) There is an explanation for all this. Last week, when Chandler and Rachel did laundry together...some of her whites got mixed up with some of his whites...

RACHEL

Ross, we never did laundry together.

ROSS

Okaaay. I didn’t say it was a simple explanation.

CHANDLER

Bail me out here, Ross.

RACHEL

Chandler, we’ll talk about your summer camp panty raid fantasy later.

CHANDLER

Hey, I object to the summer camp reference. I’ll have you know I picked that up in college.

RACHEL

Nevermind. I have the most amazing news to share with you guys...

JOEY STANDS IN THE KITCHEN

 SPOONING SOMETHING INTO HIS MOUTH.

JOEY

Boy, this fuzzy jello sucks.

PHOEBE

Hey, that’s my mushroom! Eating a friend’s Kombucha is like the kiss of death!

JOEY

(REACTS, THEN) Should I be dialing 4-1-1?

CHANDLER

What? To find out the number for 9-1-1?

PHOEBE

It’s not poisonous. (THEN) But Joey, that mushroom was going to bring me the perfect man and change my life. 

JOEY

Whoa, I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of change.

PHOEBE

I don’t think you understand, Joey. By violating my mushroom, you’ve cast an omen of misfortune on all of us!

MONICA

Oh, come on. You don’t honestly believe that some overgrown hors d’oeuvre is going to jinks us, do you?

SFX: THE PHONE RINGS.

MONICA ANSWERS THE PHONE. ROSS ENTERS THE KITCHEN, PICKS UP THE BROCCOLI SHEARS, AND GLANCES AT RACHEL’S HAIR. 

MONICA

(INTO PHONE) Hello?... Oh, hi Phillip. What’s that?... Phillip, I’ve already started preparing...  Well,  if you’re sure...All right. Good-bye. (SLAMS PHONE) Dammit! Phillip just cancelled the party.

CHANDLER

(A LA VINCENT PRICE) And so it begins. The curse...of Kombucha. 

PHOEBE

Wait, did he say anything about our date tonight?

MONICA

Phoebe, I’m worried about what I’m going to do with thirty chicken breasts and ten pounds of broccoli.

JOEY

I’ll take that broccoli. It’s gonna take a lot of roughage to pass this thing.

RACHEL

(GROSSED OUT) Joey...

PHOEBE

We’re like a bunch of dominoes, just waiting to fall down.  

ROSS HOLDS UP THE CUTTING SHEARS AND GESTURES “CUTTING” TO A HORRIFIED CHANDLER, WHO BEGINS WAVING HIS ARMS BACK AND FORTH, SIMILAR TO AN UMPIRE’S “HE’S SAFE” MOTION.

RACHEL

Hey, I will not subject myself to this gloom and doom.  There’s no reason to. I want you guys to know that you’re looking at...(SEES CHANDLER) Chandler, what the hell are you doing?

CHANDLER

(NERVOUS) Another summer camp fantasy. Playing umpire. 

(WAVING ARMS)  Safe!

UNBEKNOWNST TO THE GIRLS, ROSS BEGINS TO CLIP AN INNOCENT FRACTION OF RACHEL’S HAIR.

RACHEL

(ROLLS EYES) Monica, forget about  that party.  My success will have you catering for the likes of Claudia Schiffer, Kate Moss, Vendala...

ROSS CUTS AS RACHEL TURNS AND SWINGS A LARGE LOCK INTO THE SHEARS. A HORRIFIED ROSS HOLDS UP A VERY LARGE CLUMP OF HAIR.  JOEY AND CHANDLER REACT.

JOEY

Sinead O’Connor...  

RACHEL

(ARROGANT) She’s not a model. 

CHANDLER

(NERVOUS) No, not now. But she used to be when she still had...um, am I missing something here?

RACHEL

Yes, I think you are. I just got a hair-modeling job with Vidal Sassoon!!

ROSS

(PANICS) Oh boy. (COVERS) I mean, oh boy!

RACHEL

I’m going to be a supermodel, and I’ll never have to waitress again!!

ROSS

(CHOKED UP)  Oh boy.

CHANDLER

Ross?  Don’t we have a Space Shuttle to catch?

JOEY

Shotgun!

THE BOYS BOLT TO THE DOOR AND EXIT.

RACHEL

(FLABBERGASTED) Where are they running off to again? I guess some people just can’t handle their envy. 

FOR THE FIRST TIME, MONICA AND PHOEBE TAKE NOTICE OF THE “HAIRY” CRIME SCENE. THEIR MOUTHS GAPE AT RACHEL.

RACHEL (CONT.)

Say, is there a draft in here?

MONICA/PHOEBE

Hair?

RACHEL

What?

MONICA

Yeah, I really like it.     PHOEBE

Looks great. I Swear.

RACHEL GIVES THEM AN ODD LOOK AND RISES FROM HER CHAIR. SHE NOTICES SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR AND BENDS DOWN TO PICK IT UP.

RACHEL

Has someone been husking corn?

UPON CLOSER EXAMINATION OF WHAT SHE’S HOLDING, RACHEL’S EYES GO WIDE. SHE FEELS THE BACK OF HER HEAD.

RACHEL

(SCREAMS, THEN) Ross!!!

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE P

INT. CHANDLER’S APARTMENT - LATER

ROSS PACES WHILE PLAYING WITH THE CLUMP OF RACHEL’S HAIR. 

ROSS

How did I let this happen?  Monica says  that Rachel never wants to speak to me again, that I’ve ruined her life.(THEN) And what am I going to do with all this hair?

CHANDLER

Well, I think you have just enough to weave a very small keepsake rug.

JOEY

(GROANS) I still don’t feel so good.

CHANDLER

A word of advice, Joey.  Whenever you find something in your neighbors’ refrigerator that looks like it’s from outer space, don’t eat it.(THEN) And by the way.  If I wake up tomorrow morning in a pod, next to a clone of myself, I will not be pleased.

SFX: A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.’

ROSS

Oh, no. I’m not ready to talk to Rachel.

CHANDLER

I don’t think you need to worry about that for the next few years.

MONICA AND PHOEBE ENTER.’

ROSS

(CONCERN) So...how’s she doing? 

MONICA

I’m not sure.  How would you interpret banging her head against the mirror and screaming, “My life is over, my life is over”?

CHANDLER

Eh, that’s not so bad. When she starts screaming “Redrum! Redrum!”, then we have a problem.

ROSS

Do you honestly think she’ll lose the modeling job over something so...trivial?

MONICA

Ross, it’s a hair campaign. And I’m pretty sure the slogan is not:(TAKES HAIR, HOLDS IT UP) “Don’t Leave Home Without It”.

SFX: PHONE RINGS.

JOEY

Man, this Psychic Pal thing is frying my brain.

PHOEBE

No way. You’re a Psychic Pal?

JOEY

(INTO PHONE) Hello...Oh hi, Phillip...I agree. Seven chicks are tough to keep up with...Yeah, six is definitely more manageable...I’m seeing the number seven...Yes, definitely lose the last one...Oh, she’s the coffee house chick? Perfect! Who wants to put up with some ditzy blonde from the village?... Lose the ditz, and go with the six-pack. (HANGS UP). That guy’s an animal.

MONICA

That was psychic advice? It sounded more like the frat boy party line.

PHOEBE

Wait a minute. This Phillip. He isn’t a foot doctor, is he?

JOEY

(LAUGHS) Better stick with the coffee thing, Pheebs. I’m afraid this business isn’t for you. Phillip’s a podiatrist. (CHUCKLES, SHAKES HEAD) Foot doctor.

PHOEBE

Joey, this is, you know, like turning into my worst nightmare. I have a date with Phillip in one hour. And you just told Mr. Right that I’m like...Mrs. Wrong!

JOEY

Well how was I supposed to know that you’re the ditzy blonde from the coffee house? (PAUSE, THEN) Ohh...

CHANDLER

Joey, think first, then speak. Didn’t we have this conversation already?

MONICA

I can’t believe this.  Phoebe was right. We really are like a bunch of dominoes.  

PHOEBE

Yeah, but I’m more like a Weeble-Wobble, so I don’t fall down that easily. (TO JOEY)  You!  You’re coming with me to clear up this whole mess! 

JOEY

Hey, anything you want me to do.  And the first three minutes are free.

ROSS

I think I’ll just stay here and mope.

THE GROUP EXITS, CONSOLING ROSS WITH PATS ON THE BACK AND WE:

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE Q

INT. COFFEE HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

MONICA AND PHOEBE, ALONG WITH JOEY AND CHANDLER, ENTER. PHILLIP SITS ON THE COUCH WITH CATWOMAN. HER FOOT RESTS IN HIS LAP.

MONICA

See, Pheebs, he’s waiting right here for you...with...someone’s foot in his lap.

CHANDLER

My God, it’s Catwoman! Joey, I beg you, use your mental powers to float that feline babe my way.

PHILLIP

(TO CATWOMAN) And the arch of your foot tells me you’re very sensual... (PHOEBE APPROACHES) Phoebe!  You’re... early. I’d like you to meet Tatiana. 

CATWOMAN STRETCHES HER FOOT OUT FOR PHOEBE TO SHAKE.

PHOEBE

(BITTER) It’s so nice to meet you...Number Six. Ewww, please put your foot down. 

CHANDLER QUICKLY GRABS CATWOMAN’S FOOT AND SHAKES IT.

CHANDLER

Hi. Chandler Bing.(TO JOEY) I’m good for the night.

PHOEBE

So what’s going on here, Phillip? 

PHILLIP

Phoebe, I just have a feeling that things won’t work out between us. The chemistry isn’t right. And why should we try to make something out of nothing?

PHOEBE

So... you don’t want to date me.

JOEY

Hey, don’t put words in his mouth.

PHILLIP

Wait a minute, I know that voice.  You’re Rumple, my Psychic Pal!

JOEY

That’s Mr. Stiltskin to you.(THEN)And you know, you’re a little (INDICATES CRAZY) for choosing that shapely, sexy woman over this item up for bid!

PHILLIP

But you’re the one who told me not to date number seven!  

PHOEBE

Could you, like, not call me “number seven”?

MONICA

Yeah, she’s a person...not an item on your take-out menu!

PHILLIP

I get the feeling I should be leaving.

PHOEBE

You know, you just read my mind.

JOEY

Oh, sure.  I find the perfect job, and now everyone wants a piece of the action.

PHILLIP EXITS WITH CATWOMAN. CHANDLER STARES AFTER HER.

MONICA

I’m sorry, Pheebs. But you know something?  You’re way too good for him. I mean, just look at that woman he’s with.  

CHANDLER

Some guys have all the luck. I mean, Mon’s right. You deserve someone special. 

JOEY

But in the meantime, you’ll have us to look out for you.

PHOEBE

(HUGS JOEY) Thanks...Pal. 

MONICA

So what are we going to do about Ross and Rachel? How can we get them talking again? 

CHANDLER

(SMILES) I have an idea. Just leave this one to the Jedi master.

ON THIS WE:

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE R

INT. CHANDLER’S APARTMENT - FOLLOWING DAY

A VERY DEPRESSED ROSS ENTERS AND SITS ON THE COUCH. CHANDLER IS ON THE PHONE.

CHANDLER

(CLEARS THROAT, INTO PHONE) How’s the weather down there in Galveston?...Is that so, Gladys...

ROSS

(PERKS UP) Gladys?

CHANDLER

(INTO PHONE) Well, I’m calling because a good friend of ours is going through a really tough time right now...And if you could just lend him an ear for a minute or two, I think it would do him a world of good. 

CHANDLER OFFERS THE PHONE TO A CONFUSED ROSS

.

ROSS

(RAMBLES INTO PHONE) Gladys, I don’t even know where to begin. Remember the woman I told you about?  The one I’ve been dating, the one I’m madly in love with? Well, in trying to find out if we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together, I lost sight of the wonderful thing we already have. And now I’m not sure if I’ll ever see her again. Unless, of course, I die and come back as a hair weave...So what I need to know is... Do you think the most important woman in my life will ever forgive me, Gladys?... Gladys?

RACHEL STANDS IN THE DOORWAY HOLDING THE GIRLS’ CORDLESS PHONE.

RACHEL

(CHOKED UP) I see that coming in the very near future.

ROSS THROWS DOWN THE PHONE, AND RUNS TO EMBRACE A SMILING AND TEARY-EYED RACHEL.  THE OTHERS FORM A JOYOUS HUDDLE AROUND THEM, AND WE:

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

SCENE S

TAG

FADE IN:

INT. CHANDLER’S APARTMENT - LATE EVENING

JOEY AND CHANDLER ARE PREPARING FOR BED.

JOEY

So I decided to give up the psychic job. It just wasn’t my speed.

CHANDLER

Good man, Joey. I’m sure you’ll find something much more suited to your talents.  

JOEY

Actually, I think I already have.

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGS

CHANDLER

(INTO PHONE) Hello? I’m sorry, you must have the wrong number. There’s no one named Love Slave here.(TO JOEY) Is there?!

JOEY EXCITEDLY SIGNALS CHANDLER TO PASS THE PHONE HIS WAY.

CHANDLER

(INTO PHONE) Excuse me?  You want to put your what?...In my where?! Joey!!

CHANDLER DROPS THE PHONE, CHASES AFTER JOEY, 

AND WE:

FADE OUT:

END OF SHOW